The xXProCodKid69Xx Saga
by quantumdranger
Summary: A creepypasta parody to end them all featuring almost every cliche in the book and tons of references. M for language.
1. Chapter 1

xX_ProCodKid69_Xx

Hello you fucking /b/ browsing idiots. I would like to inform you FYI that this OP is MLG and that this is a true story so liek, comment and scrubscribe as one liek = one dank meme to help me obtain my euphoria once again.

It started when one day I was taking my daily dew® shower and I couldn't decide which flavor of dorito soap I should use. I needed to pick fast so I could get back to my life that everyone tells me I don't have and I went MLG and began smoking. Being a turnt bloke, I accidentally set fire to the dorito soaps, filling the room with the smell of doritos as climbed out of the shower. I was now tripping, I literally knocked over half my apartment and that made me 200% mad. Time to yell at 12 yr olds in Child's Online Daycare.

I went to my glorious PC master race computer and opened COD but something wasn't right. The file was called xX_ and my computer/eyes/ears/butt was leaking blood so I decided that I would be a smart protagonist and check the game's data. This is what I found:

EA Copyright 666© Donut Steal OC

-THE REAL DEVIL NO JOKE DON'T PLAY

OH! Well that explains the weird name and the blood. Everybody knows that EA is the literal devil. If you don't believe me, I was an intern so I can confirm. Time to go back to playing.

The screen didn't bleed this time and I went to the server browser. It was filled with edgy deep web servers and anonymous hacker hangouts. I joined a random FFA de_rust game with a guy called xX_ProCodKid69_Xx (definately not a coincidence amiright?). I spawned on top of the tower and I was immediately headshotted by ProCodKid69. On my second respawn, I was ready. Guzzling dewritos and doin' the snoop dogg swivel, I flew around the map 360 noscoping him and dodging his shots. After 29.99999 seconds, we had not landed a single hit on each other so I brought out the big guns. I put on the oculus rift and pulled out my second computer. Using each hand to control a different computer, I fired thousands of shots at him. Then he did the unthinkable, he knifed all the bullets into tiny little bits as the game went slow mo. I exclaimed "HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!"

His reply made my heart explode and my calcium spray out of my nose. He said "What you should be asking is how this is possible… and how cliched this statement is." He then bound my hands to the keyboards using magic super glue and said "YOU'VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD."

Then hordes of players started joining the server. The voice chat was filled with horrible tortured screams and justin bieber songs. Then I saw who had joined the server and I went ultra fangirl. Ben2, , GO_2_ZEEP, TheEyelessOne, TheLaughingOne, Squidicide, RoadKillMickey, yekciMlliKdaoR (backwards/photonegative is so edgy), HappyPuppy666, FABULOUSMouthStrencher, SodaZombie(Send Help), FatMonsterHater, BOB THE B.O.B. and SHREK!

I WAS LITERALLY FREAKING OUT!1! I had dreamed of these characters since my dad went to nosleep for bedtime stories by accident or was it an actually an accident? Illuminati confirmed? Ignoring the fact that I might be killed IRL by these ghastly macaronis, I began spamming the chat with love letters and fan fiction. Here is a transcript below:

Me_irl: OMG You're real. This is the best day of my life. Which fan fiction should we reenact first, JackXJack, PN Mickey X Suicide Mouse, maybe Shrek XXX Reader?

TheLaughingOne: Now I wish I was the eyeless one. Can't unsee.

SHREK: Ogre you kidding me?

RoadKillMickey: Your puns want to make me kill myself again.

yekciMlliKdaoR: I like it.

SodaZombie: Are we really going to listen to him? When he takes his head off he has less brains than me.

HappyPuppy666: He does look good in the photos, beauty gets the fan girls.

Me_irl: Like me_irl!

Squidicide: Fuck this shit I'm out. See you guys and a few kids in hell.

FABULOUSMouthStretcher: Send me the dead kids bodies.

FatMonsterHater: Eating makes you fat.

BOB: 4chan says fuck off bitch

Ben2: You shouldn't have said that! We have kids and manchildren around.

: Why don't we stop posing for the writer and kill this guy.

: Let's crush him.

: Let's burn him.

S& : Let's kill him in an obscure way, almost as obscure as scourge.

: Let's let the inter webs decide trough BOB, the other one.

BOB: OK who wants to direct the show going for 50$, 100$, 30 coin, 400 moneypak, 1 DOGECOIN! Sold, now let's get to directing.

Culture 048: Untie him.

Me_irl: Thank you

Culture 048: Now make him take out his Doritos.

Me_irl: WTF are you doin'

Culture 048: Now make him place all of his gangster shit inside the bag like yo bling and yo weed.

I knew what he wanted me to do next. I could feel my hand drifting toward the mtn dew bottle. If I mixed the swaggiest ingredients in the universe then it would form a swagularity and I would lose all of my swag in the last few moments of my existence. I had nearly given up hope when the room filled with a green glow and discounts filled every nook and cranny. Hail to the motherfucking gaben.

"Hello my child," He said in an omnipotent voice. "Senpai Kush needs me for Mlg Mario 420 so I'll leave you with Shia. You may or may not be fucked," he said before dissolving into gold dust. I was really hopeless now.

The creepypastas sat laughing at me when I heard a voice. Shia was yelling his famous motivational speech through my headphones. It took me a few seconds but I eventually made the conclusion about what he meant. Do it sounds a lot like Dew it, was he really telling me this? In a single motion, I unscrewed the thousands of energy drinks on my desk. The faces of the cryptids turned from joy to dread. I asked Shia once again for assurance and he answered with a strong encouraging "just do it!" so powerful that I didn't even doubt for one second about what I did next.

The sounds of drinks spilling all over the desk in that quick moment was the greatest and sexiest sound I had ever heard in my life. A rainbow of red raw energy, orange acid electrolytes and yellow sun shining through green mtn dew with the nice contrast of blue and purple was formed by the fusion of these holy waters. But the best sight was the computer, the sea had completely destroyed it and caused it to go up in disco fire as it slowly burned all of evil spirits. The last thing that I heard before I began typing this up on for interweb points was the voice of ProCodKid69 saying "NOOOOO!" in a cliched tone. If you made it to the end then you have a very stable heart and should read the original stories of the spaghettis mentioned in le story. Thank you 4(20) reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello my fellow /b/ browsing quickscopers. It's me_irl, my life has been flipped turned upside down since the events of ProCodKid69 and mah euphoria is back bitches. I milked xX_ until every atom of that dead horse was gone. Was it worth it losing all my self respect and honor? FUCK YES NOW I CAN BATHE IN CHILDREN'S TEARS WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY. In all seriousness, children's tears are much heavier (from the weight of sadness) allowing you to float in them. Back to the point, my life is Swag! Friends! Fun! Drink! Hot Girls! I'm hot! Drink more! Expensive cars! Ass! Drink! Ass! Money! Me in a tuxedo! Threesome! Vodka! Pussy! Drink! Drink! Drink! Me! Drink! Vegas! Fun! Pussy! Me in a tuxedo! Fucking this Girl! Vodka! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink it all, you fucking pussy! More tuxedos! More cars! More pussy! More vodka! DRINK! DRINK! DRIN- so now that this update is done. I would like to tell you about the research I have been funding.

I have searched the universe, travelled time, performed satanic rituals, violated the wikia terms of service, browsed hentai, practiced zen buddhism (so boring) and more just so that I could explain how EA was able to pirate ActiVision games, how COD gained access to the edgy web, how ProCodKid69 tracked me and how the creepypasta characters were able to bypass my epix internetter haxxor skillz. The answer is much closer, much closer to home and YOU might even be part of it. The answer to all the secrets of the universe is…

COMCAST!1!one1!

Can you see it now? Let me explain. Comcast has controlled the internet since 1848 but they have just been suppressing it and was able to get in a skype chat with GOD before all the spammers crashed God's accounts. God was so sick of humanity doing stupid shit like fighting wars, discriminating against each other and voting for republicans so he handed over ownership of the universe to Comcast thinking it couldn't be so bad right? FUCK NO IT WAS BAD. Comcast battered, killed, rekt, animal abused, stripped, broke, abused, child abused, graphically violenced, humiliationed, self hurted, strong languaged and fucked up the universe so much that we all retreated into a dream state inside the matrix to escape it. Comcast controlled the internet and was able to hack into the matrix. They used this to manipulate reality to such impossible things as merge with Time Warner, melt jet fuel with steel beams, gain a bad customer service score, make bad creepypastas popular, brainwash us with minions and so much more but there was a catch! By accessing the matrix via internet, the internet flooded our dream world with problems such as lag, speech autocorrect, etc. leading to effects like deja vu, disappearances, anomalies and more. Comcast is love, comcast is life, comcast is shrek, comcast is phone, comcast is conspiracy, comcast is EVIL ITSELF, comcast is you and me, comcast is the entire fucking universe and we have to motherfucking stop it!

So how do we stop Comcrap? We must use their weakness, nukes! By destroying the universe, comcast will die in the dream and die in real life. Even though we will all will die too, sacrifices must be made! Also, all our souls are stuck in purgatory because we have made our brains inhabitable through things like vine, youtube, fursonas, reddit, trollpasta wiki, fads, trends, #tags and fandoms. The time is now!

OH SHIT! The planes from 9/11 have just landed on my porch. There's things coming out. OH NO! They're zombie KGB members here to arrest me for possession of illegal knowledge and they brought MECHA HITLER TOO! The brain killing cutinator dog is at my door and can't open it because he has paws but my door is about to break from all the cute-ing. Shrek, gaben, left shark, SOG, MichaelLeroi, sanic, MrCreepyPasta, snoop, other trollpasta reading youtuber senpais, doge, they're all rekt by the soviets. It's over! They're in! Their going to take me to the screening room! I'll be erased! They're pulling me away from the keyboa

-[THE RUSSIAN NAVY OF CENSORSHIP]-

HAIL HYDRA,

THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN CONFISCATED FROM Me_irl (M-ee i-r-l). WHILE THE UNDERSCORE COULD REALLY BE HIS MIDDLE INITIAL. IT IS BELIEVED THAT HE HAS A DIFFERENT NAME THAT HE HAS BEEN WITHHOLDING FROM US OR THAT HE FORGOT DURING HIS INTENSE MULTIDRUG HIGH. SOME OF THE DRUGS INCLUDE BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:

NECROSLEEP

SLEEP GAS

GMO WEED

ENRICHED URANIUM

ENERGY DRINKS WITH A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF PEPSI BRAND PRODUCTS

CHIPS WITH A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF PEPSI OWNED FOODS

COKE

COCA COLA

CALCIUM CONCENTRATE

STARFISH SPIT (NOTE: starfish appears to be more evolved)

EUPHORIA INDUCING BATTERY ACID (NOTE: the chemical structure has been affected by an undiscovered element with a atomic number of 1337)

BLOOD WITH CONCENTRATIONS OF DMT

SHROOMS

MERCURY

ONIONS

SILVER

FAT FRYER GREASE

CLARIDRYL

GUNPOWDER

DRUG THERAPY IS BEING TESTED ON HIM IN HOPES OF PREPARING HIM FOR VIDEO BASED MENTAL CONFORMING. WE MAY ALLOW HIM TO LEAVE AS THE ILLEGAL KNOWLEDGE MAY BE A TRAUMA INDUCED LOGIC BREAK HINTED AT BY THE EXTREMELY ILLOGICAL STEPS TO HIS CONCLUSION. ANYWAYS, THE BOARD OF DA INTERNET COMMUNICATION KGB SERVICE OR BOARD OF D.I.C.K.S. FOR SHORT IS LEANING TOWARDS USING THE COMCAST COMMERCIAL: LOST MUSIC VIDEO IN CASE HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS SHIT HE WRITES. how da faq do I end a crappy noodler again?


	3. Chapter 3

**POST 1!1!one! - 4:59:59 October 1st 2015**

GUYS I CANT ESCAPE HELP ME PLOX I'LL GIVE YOU 666 ROBUX AND DANK MEMES. ENLIST QUICK BECUZ I DONUT KNOW WHEN DA SOVIETS WILL FIND DIS PHONE THAT I HID IN LE BUTT. UNTIL THEN BE SHORE TO LIEK, CUMMENT AND SCRUBSCRIBE BYE GUYZ THANKS XDDDDDDDDDDD.

 **POST 2 - 5:01:00 October 1st 2015** _one story element later_

GUYS DON'T WORRY I FOUND A TOTHBRUSH IN DA TOILET. I'M GONNA USE IT TO BREAK OUT. JET FUEL CAN MELT STEEL BEAMS AMIRIGHT?

 **Post 3 - 5:01:01 October 1st 2015** _eons later_

IT'S HOPELESS. WAA WAA CRY CRY 2SED5ME. LIEK IF U CRI EVRYDAY. I GOING TO HANG MYSELVE FROM MY INTESTINE. TRUST IT PLOX SO I CAN DIE.

 **Post 4 - 5:01:02 October 1st 2015** _69 universe cycles later_

THE STEEL BEAMS BROKE!1 I'm so happy! Now I just need to squeeze my fat ass through the small hole. GWRRRRRR!1!one1!

 **Post 5 - 7:00:00 October 1st 2015** _14 dog hours later_

I got through the hole using Mtn Dew to help me slip and slide only to see someone being dragged away from a cell. It was the second cell to the left and suddenly, as if the illuminati injected it into my mind, I go a curiosity to see what was in the first cell to my left…

IT WAS YOU! (or a hairy alter ego if you if you are a grill)

DO YOU KNOW WAT DAT (ASS) MEANS?!

YoU'rE nExT! (if you don't copy and paste this a ton of times)

 **Post 666 - 7:77:77 77/77/77** _a few time paradoxes later_

I'M SO LUCKY! I was opening a door when I remembered the strange advice I had gotten from the great purple masked god.

"OPEN THE DOOR, GET ON THE FLOOR AND EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR!"

I heard a loud thud and I saw that I had kicked the legs out from under a guard (like there are any of those near doors in a FREAKING MILITARY BASE) in my intense disco session. He started getting up to my horror when I heard a relieving [removed:8bit] xtra pixely pixelated robotic pixel voice say:

"ERROR: Fulton malfunction."

The iconic Fulton balloon burst out of his backpack as he struggled and kicked to get free but it was too late. His time was up and he shot up into a cloud of migrating Fulton Goats. He was never seen again and to this day his fulton still broken and are sore. The lesson kids is:

fulton is love, fulton is life

 **Post 7 - 6:66 66/66/666** _da faq is ap wit deez focking paradoxes m8/80s(econds) later_

After a very awkward situation involving removing the clothes of the guard that can only be summed up with the string of dongers below or by saying "TSA! TSA! TSA!" in front of a scanner:

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°) ᕦ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ᕤ ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡o ͜ʖ ͡o) ° ͜ʖ ͡ - ( ͡͡ ° ͜ ʖ ͡ °) ( ͡ ͡° ͡° ʖ ͡° ͡°) (ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ °) (ʖ ͜° ͜ʖ) [ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°]ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ ( ͡o ͜ʖ ͡o) { ͡• ͜ʖ ͡•} ( ͡° ͜V ͡°) ( ͡^ ͜ʖ ͡^) ( ‾ʖ̫‾) ( ͡°╭͜ʖ╮͡° ) ᕦ( ͡°╭͜ʖ╮͡° )ᕤ

I can now finally do some shit as a guard or some shit. I don't know if all this hyper realistic blood, furry hair, superglued-in black eye contacts, etc. will make the other guards suspicious. NAH! Did I get you there? This is a creepypasta universe, we eat gore, drink hyper realistic blood and breathe cliches. WAKE UP PEOPLE!

 **Post M8/8 - 1:23 4/56/78** _a old number string joke later_

Hello derpy trolls of the internet. I need your help unlocking my stupidity. See everyday at exactly 4:20 OH KLOK the guards go full-out MML and write MarioXXXXXXXXXTREMESonic fanfics such as " /Round 3", "MAriO" and "It Will Git Even Worse". My parody side keeps seeping through at points like we when staged Jeff Teh Kira VS Son Is Exe and I came out in a Hyper-British Brit costume.

 **LOLTROLL466**

-DEEZ NUTS

 **ME_IRL**

-WHAT?

 **LOLTROLL466**

-INHALE

 **ME_IRL**

-OK, that's just weird.

 **LOLTROLL466**

-alksjdfkljslfdkj;7laJDKL

 **ME_IRL**

THAT'S IT. I just need to be random and memetic to achieve MML. THX XDdddDDDhgfgjfakgjdfjkhDDDDbbbbbfxghjdfssdjcyYgkajbBBBBXXXD

 **POST 9001 -** **1T'S 0V/3R/9000** _Terminal dankness later_

SHIT. Turns out memes count as parody and not MML. Now all the guards are trying to zombify me with their high-as-fuck gory furry fan fiction. I just threw up my mexican food lunch, I think I'm going to pass out. OH GOD NO! There all weegees now, staring into my very soul. This must be how they found me. This must be how the planes came from the outside if 9/11 was an inside job. It all makes sense! LUIGI HAS HELPED THEM ALL ALONG! The puzzle is solved but one thing is left, what is Comcast Commercial: Lost Music Video. 3… 2… 1… ACTION!

 **Post ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)** **ﾉ** **[10] by Jontron -** **OO** **/OO/oo/** **oo** _a ton of references later_

I am enlightened. This is the most moving, life changing, predictably cliched horror movie ever. They strapped me down to a skeleton chair and it started with an endless loop of Comcast lounge footage but everybody had blood red eyes which were plagiarized from . Then Rebecca Black's car burst threw spraying hyper distorted music everywhere. She was as always riding unsafely on the back of the car with Justin Bieber and a few of Taylor's gagged and bound boyfriends. Then the Skin Taker came to grind Rebecca's skin but a strange old man yelled "You can't just kill her, she's a beast version of the VEVO mascot." The Skin Taker ignored him until he saw Rebecca Black in her full glory and yelled "OMG SHE'S SO UGLY I'M NOT WEARING THAT AHHHHHHH." Then everybody started screaming and a clapboard saying "Candle - ep 13: Goodbye Candle Cove (the screamer-ing)" was raised and roll credits. The weird thing is that it stated that "Purgatory" was the location and "9/11" was the date but Candle Cove was pre-9/11. The final frame that I caught in a 24th of a second was scary foreign text. This made me go Ultra Patriot, break out of the skeleton chair before it could pop out at me and fly threw the base on a nuclear powered bald eagle murdering everyone. I will never watch "Duck and Cover" again or eat my killer vegetables.

 **Post 11/10 by IGN - $:$$ $$/$$/$$** _a period of time containing water later_

no. git gud.

 **Post 12 - M:SS DD/MM/YY** _Filler content later_

As I ride this elevator to the top of the space needle. I'd like to reflect on this journey of life flip turning upside down. We've noscoped skroobs, shipped creepypastas, solved the mysteries of the universe, escaped soviet controlled america and much more. Guess what? It was all made possible by viewers like you. So sit down, grab an energy drink or deep fat fried foodstuff and relax. Just don't forgot to mash those clicks so I can reload my cash gunz. The doors are opening. Wait, it can't be, it's…

GOD OF THE NEW WORLD

 _MLP CANADA DRY RAGING OPTIC ELITE THE BLUUD PINKAMENA_

 **Post 13 - 13:37 69/0/666** _DA ENDING ORCHESTRA OF SPOOPYNESS LATER_

pinkamena. The only creepypasta character I could never ship because it was so girly and it had cooties. I used to have nightmares that pinkamena would drag me to an optic death cult where I would become a noob. It was time to settle this, it was time to write some shitty meta fanfiction.

We both pulled out our rifles and began loading them with bullets (ones that kill people). I chose an AWP Intervention 420 custom build while Pinkamena was using a shitty autosniper with a n00btube attached. With a tip of our fedoras, we turned around and fired like cowboys. The bullets collided sending a shockwave out so powerful that it killed Kenny and created an earthquake that sucked the space needle into development hell (where this Trollpasta has been). The space needle struck the bottom and deepest layer with a loud teke teke sound. Pinkamena ran at super flying speeds behind some cover so I surveyed the area with high accuracy. The scan showed that we were in nickelodeon studios and that Pinkamena was posing as an intern in the pre-TV airing lost episode nazi extermination test. I couldn't tell which one so I just killed them all. Besides, interns are basically slave laborers. Pinkamena was hit and started to break apart into blind pony spirits. At first, there were 1 or 2 (ooo), then there were 3 or 4 (ooOO), then the IRL HUD was full of them (OOOO!). Suddenly, all the ghosts turned into a liquid shout that poured over me. The intensity [intensifies] of the shout caused me to collapse to the ground when I noticed that the screams were forming a beat. I instinctively yelled "Song Name?" causing The Protomen to appear playing Darude - Sandstorm. Powered by the l33t b33ts m8, the space needle shot into the sky taking us with it.

We resumed fighting once Pinkamena reformed like Majin Buu. The Optic Elite threw a bloody gory torture-y knife at me, it did nothing because it sounded like it had no reason except it completely ripped my waist off. So I just ran on my elbows at high speeds. I was just about to stuff some fish and chips down the throat of Pinkamena when the noob stuck a satanic iPod in my hands which I started to dissolve my hands using gauntlets of depravity but before it could do its thing, I threw it away because apple products are overpriced turds #PCMR. Before we could attack each other any longer, the needle hit some turbulence causing me to be thrown into a xbox peasantry system with GTA San Andreas in it, most likely haunted. It seemed to be connected to the space needle's engine and we were flying at the white house. I used the ultimate multipurpose solution of throwing the console off the space needle like a raging animal to avert a national crisis. This caused the space needle to go completely out of control and crash into Jeff the Killer's house.

The death count was unbelievable, Jeff, Jane, Charlie, Neko, that stupid detective from /Round 2 that was currently investigating a strange looking ant as a possible lead, a few smile dogs, Luigi in a banana costume, a few haunted floppies, etc. There was so much death that all the BLOOD and BLOOD on the BLOOD caused me to get BLOODerflies in my stomach. Pinkamena was in tears, "LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DeAd YoU mOnStEr!" Before I could react some Jeff the Killer OC went full edgy goth emo and said "We're all going to die..." right before offing himself off on the spot using a recorder/flute/whistle. This caused Pinkamena's psyche to break and unlocked the hidden cheat code at life that allowed her to summon her ultimate attack. "Time for a TENSE SWAP!" She yelled as she began charging an epic kamehameha. I couldn't let this happen, too much was at stake (like my ego) so I began a powerful speech. "No puppet man, that's illegal. You are just feeding the lord Michael Jackson, you cannot escape the 9GAG legion." Then she fired her ultimate attack and such words became nothingness as the universe was consumed by a grammatical error of massive proportions. "See you in 666 Pentahell Satan Lair of Debauchery." Then Pinkamena began hacking and flew upwards only to get the crap beaten out of her by an British English teacher riding a tardis.

 _Then the curse broke and the universe went back to normal. They all lived happily ever after and life is such in Mother Russia._


End file.
